You may think you’re King of the Sheets, but the reality is that most women have faked an 0rgasm at some point in their lives, and most men have bought it.
You have a right to know when what you’re witnessing is a performance rather than the real deal.
If she’s falsifying ecstasy, she’s doing both you and herself a disservice. How will you know you need to fix it if you don’t realize it’s broken? Luckily, we’ve got your back. To make sure you’re aware of your talents (or, ahem, lacking talents) we’ve put together a wildly useful list of 10 Signs She Faked Her 0rgasm.
May the odds be ever in your favor.
She Seems Like She’s Putting on a Show
Let’s be honest. Genuine 0rgasms aren’t always sexxy in the traditional sense of the word. People in the throes of ecstasy contort their faces into strange shapes, make awkward sounds, and pant loudly like dogs in heat. This is not always cute.
If her expressions and sighs seem measured and harmonized, rather than breathless and random, she’s probably just rolling out the show she knows you want to see. If the sounds you hear suddenly make you wonder whether you accidentally forgot to close the streaming HD edition of Cocks and Dolls on your laptop, then you might want to question if she’s coming from a genuine place.
She’s Silent Afterwards
If you’re grinning after you finish the business, and she lies there quietly, lips pursed, you may have a problem. You may think she’s overcome with emotion, trying to play it cool, or tired because you rocked her world so hard. But you’re wrong, my friend. She’s just afraid that if she opens her mouth, she’ll end up telling you that your signature jackhammer move gave her cramps and reminded her of an S&M session gone terribly wrong. After all, she’s a lady who knows that if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all. (Note: We recommend she quit being nice and start speaking up.)
She Smiles At You Awkwardly
When you finish and grin at her expectantly, rather than congratulating you on a job well done, she stares back for a second, seemingly confused by your excitement. In fact, she looks as though she doesn’t understand why you’re so pleased with herself.
She may force a smile as she remembers her stellar performance from minutes before, but it’s only to maintain your delusions of granduer. You’re under the impression that you’re the man right now, and she looks like she’s constipated rather than basking in her post-0rgasm bliss, you should wonder why.
She Doesn’t Look You In the Eyes
You’re so proud of yourself when you finish, and so overcome with oxytocin (which scientists have dubbed “the cuddle chemical”) that you’re gushing about how great the s.e.x was. You want verbal confirmation of a job well done, or a high five, at the very least.
If you peer into her eyes and say, “That was amazing” and she actively avoids eye contact and mumbles something about it being “pretty good,” it’s not because she’s shy. It’s because, in retrospect, she feels guilty for lying, but also knows it’s too late to go back. She’s conflicted, so she walks the line by acknowledging your efforts with a half-assed compliment, while ducking from your soul-penetrating gaze.
Just be thankful that she didn’t shake your hand. Oh wait, she did? Ouch.
She Needs Stimulants to Prep For S.e.x
If she brings copious amounts of booze, green, or recreational medicines to your next roll in the hay, there’s probably a reason why she can’t stand to be sober. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule—if she’s planned this night for a while, or she’s going out after, or she’s a junkie. But if it’s a Tuesday, and she’s on your couch pre-gaming for the s.e.x session, you likely took a few wrong turns the last time.
You’re Surprised By How Ecstatic She Seems
If she starts shouting and writhing wildly during the act, and you’re left wondering how in the world you managed to make a woman so damn happy, you should sound the alarm.
The general reaction you’ve gotten in the past has been notably more subdued, and now you’ve got a woman shouting dirty nothings into your ear as you go at it in the same manner as usual? You may be tempted to brush off the thought and assume that all that practice has finally made you perfect. But, real talk: Unless you’ve drastically altered your game, she’s putting on an act. If women don’t usually swoon and scream when you enter the building, it’s not likely to happen out of the blue. Pack up your tool kit. It’s time to go home.
She Starts Telling You to Do Everything Differently
You and this girl have been doing the bump and grind for some time now. You feel like you know your way around your lady’s well-oiled machine. Then, one day, as you make your way down south, she starts rattling off directions like she’s directing airplane traffic. Say what? Bend left instead of right? Use less nose but more chin? Huh?!
Unfortunately, this most likely means that she’s fed up with pretending it’s all good when it’s not. She’s decided she wants a real 0rgasm this time and she’s determined to get it, even if it means writing a manual for you. Important advice: do not call her out at this point. Keep your mouth shut (or busy) and take her directives. It’s time you witnessed the real thing, too.
She Looks Visibly Uncomfortable When Anyone Mentions Faking It
You and your woman are at dinner with a few friends when someone brings up fake 0rgasms. You laugh boisterously, confidently, even gloatingly, like a man who’s never witnessed such a thing would. You turn to catch her eye, and she’s silent. She’s not laughing, and she’s not winking at you like you’re the boss between the sheets. Instead, her shoulders are tense, her lips are tight, and her face is turning several shades of pink. It’s not that she’s afraid to talk about s.e.x; she just doesn’t want to give your (lacking) game away. Accept the small act of kindness and start putting in more effort.
She Pats You on the Back When It’s Over
A pat on the back, a condescending smile, an encouraging word. All of these things boil down to one emotion: pity. If she treats you like a puppy who didn’t get the last piece of steak on the table, or like a kid who lost his favorite baseball in the gutter, you’ve failed. You were so far from the finish line that you’re getting the consolation prize—her sympathy.
She “comes” after you keep asking her to
Don’t pressure your partner into having an 0rgasm. Nothing kills a boner (in any gender) like being forced to the finish line. If you’re asking her every two seconds “did you come” and she eventually moans a half-assed “yeah baby,” it was likely just to shut you up rather than because she got off.
There was no foreplay.
Unless you haven’t seen each other in a month and are so wrought with s.e.xual tension that you could make electricity if you put forks in your butts, your [email protected] sexxy partner likely needs foreplay to have an 0rgasm. So make out! Eat her out! Do that thing that you surreptitiously read about in Cosmo while you were in line at the pharmacy! Think of P in V s.e.x as part of s.e.x, rather than all that is s.e.x.
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